


worthy of your love

by cloudchasers_xx



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Awesome Maria Hill, BAMF Maria Hill, DISNEY PLUS ISN'T HERE, Gen, Latino Maria Hill, Lesbian Maria Hill, Maria Hill-centric, Sad Maria Hill, and i have worse memory problems than dory, author can't quote, author's spelling sucks, bcz she lives in asia, drunken mess of an author, from being crack, i am sorry but coulson is indeed dead in this fic, maria hill is so cool fite me, no beta we die like natalia alianovna romanova, so like, so this fic is one drunken mess away, supposed to be sad :((, the no caps is for aesthetic purposes, unreliable author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23193967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudchasers_xx/pseuds/cloudchasers_xx
Summary: it's the little details that sting the most. death by a thousand cuts.❝ butterflies can't see their wingsthey can't see how truly beautiful they arebut everyone else canpeople are like that sometimes ❞
Relationships: Maria Hill & Avengers Team, Maria Hill & Mjolnir, Maria Hill & Tony Stark, Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov, Phil Coulson/Maria Hill [past]
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> IDK THIS IS CRAACK I WROTE THIS WHILE DRUNK AND IN TEN MINUTES SO ENJOY
> 
> NOT FINISHED YET

it's the little details that sting the most, she's learned. death by a thousand cuts.

_ worthless _

_ pathetic _

_ useless _

maria hill isn't worthy, and she will never be.

_ worthless _

_ pathetic _

_ useless _

in a world where men are more important than women, maria hill isn't classified as a woman. a bitch, yes. a woman? never. she rises through the ranks at shield, making a name for herself as a cold hearted bitch. 

_ hard-ass hill _

_ ice queen _

_ cold hearted bitch _

when melinda requests the transfer to administration, she approves. not out of pity, but because she'd faced the same thing melinda had. after madripoor low town's incidence, she'd been transferred back to d.c. for a promotion as deputy director of operational logistics. that didn't stop, or help, the  _ whispers _ , the  _ rumours _ .

_ "didn't you hear, she left that girl to die, she was only five." _

_ "jeez, what a bitch." _

no, they didn't understand. if it were them, they would have shot the kid without hesitation.

_ "either the entire of low town, or the kid. what's it going to be, agent hill?" _

_ "i'm sorry," she cries, but it doesn't hurt less. because it doesn't matter. "i'm sorry." _

the little girl still haunts her mind, her dreams.

it goes to hell when barton brings back his kill order. it earns barton two hours of director boyle screaming at him, and one hour for her.

_ should have watched him, hill. _

_ do your job right. _

_ you don't  _ deserve _ the job if you aren't going to do it right. _

_ you should have done more _ ,  _ hill. _

deserve. to do something or have or show qualities worthy of a reaction which rewards or punishes as appropriate. funny word, because maria doesn't deserve anything. especially the life given to her.

_ "stupid bitch. your mother was the best. knew how to clean up, was on a scholarship at university. then you had to come and fuck shit up." _

because of the life she didn't deserve,  _ he  _ turned into an alcoholic, and her mother is lying in a grave. because of the job she doesn't deserve, barton brought back the black widow. 

deserve.

it's a really funny word, isn't it?

after that, nothing interesting happens, barton and romanov are in strike team delta. boyle dies and director fury takes over. and she gets promoted to deputy director.

huh. she got promoted.

it's until next year that they find captain rogers and thaw him out of the cold, cold ice.

fury assigns her to the helicarrier, citing that they need a 'ice cold commander'. of course, he says it as a joke, but it hurts nevertheless, still stings. death by a thousand cuts.

_ cut _

_ cut _

_ cut _

it's another year when loki comes to earth again, taking back the tesseract. she's at the loading area, when barton comes out and demands for a vehicle. she asks who the reindeer man is, and barton doesn't know.

_ liar, liar, pants on fire. _

it takes a few seconds when her radio crackles to life and fury says that barton has turned and he aims and shoots.

but maria ducks, and the bullet doesn't hit her. everything that happens after that is a kaleidoscope of colours.

they go back to the helicarrier via a spare quinjet that's still in use. coulson tells natasha that barton has turned, and that gets her out of her interrogation. fury sends romanov to get banner, and coulson to get stark. he asks maria to get captain rogers, but the raised eyebrow he's met with makes him go instead.

_the avengers_ , she tells fury, _are a time ticking bomb ready to go off at any time._ _they are_ , she tells fury, _phil's pride and joy, but none of them can even talk together without something blowing up, so how do you think they would work as a team?_

_ relying on heroes will not be able to help you, _ she tells fury,  _ in the end, heroes grow up and die. _

fury, in return, asks her.

_ in a time of gods and monsters, what is the worth of a man? _

she doesn't know what it means. but then the hulk goes loose on a floating aircraft, and barton is still compromised, and loki is the only person that wants to be here, so she doesn't think about it. the chaos around her makes her feel numb.

then fury says that coulson is dead. that nothing can be done. that the man that had the idea of heroes in the first place, died.

maria hill doesn't cry. it shows weakness. and people with ice cold hearts don't cry. she takes sixty seconds to mourn, then shuts down all feelings.

_ worthless _

_ pathetic _

_ useless _

after that, after the hulk is gone, after the god of thunder dropped from thirty thousand feet, after romanov gets barton back, after loki escapes, fury gets stark and captain rogers and throws the stupid vintage cards phil adored so much on the table, smeared with blood.

if maria hill wasn't going to cry then, she damn well isn't going to cry now. the look of anguish on stark's face is enough to make anyone shudder with fear, while the captain just looks  _ lost. _

they take off in a spare quinjet to get loki, while fury tries to play mediator with the world security council.

they try to launch a nuke. fury shoots it down. they send another. it succeeds.

while she watches, in horror, as stark drives straight into the wormhole, nuke in hand. at the same time, romanoff closes the wormhole. it doesn't seem like stark will get out, but he does. the entire helicarrier erupts into cheers. except for her.

phil coulson is still dead, and nothing will ever bring him back.

she coordinates clean up crews, supplies extra manpower at hospitals and clinics around the city, and takes up stark's offer on living at the new avengers tower.

stark finds her, in a moment of vulnerability, crying while clutching a framed photograph of phil and her, during their party for two when she got promoted to deputy director.

"phil's a good man." he says. "i'm sorry."

and it shouldn't hurt, but  _ shit  _ it does. commander hill isn't supposed to cry. it shows vulnerability, shows  _ weakness,  _ but she lets go, her eyes like broken dams as she cries while tony holds her.

she leans against tony and she cries for a long time, until she realizes she's being carried to her room and set on her bed.

"go to sleep," he murmurs. "pepper knows you're here. she'll check on you later."

there is a kiss, at her forehead. she thinks tony might be a good father, if ever given the chance. 

they never talk about that night, tony, pepper and her, they don't. she finds out that there's more to tony than meets the eye.

it takes another two years until maria is tasked with taking down the agency she dedicated her life to.

one night, the night before nick fury is supposed to die, the night before everything goes to plan or hell, clint asks a question.

"what do you remember about your life before the agency?" clint asks, trying to lighten up while he sits next to the second most terrifying woman clint has ever known. 

"i don't." maria whispers while nursing her bottle of vodka, like she's sharing a deadly secret. 

"the only thing i remember is my first mission as a shield agent. the last time i trusted people without any suspicion in this field. i was eighteen and every member of my unit was killed. i was shot twice, here," she touches her left shoulder, "and here."

for the second bullet, she places her hand right next to her heart, and she can remember the pain like it had happened just yesterday.

“i shouldn’t be alive,” maria says, and now there’s no emotion on her face, in her tone, just cold, hard truth, as she stands up to go back to her room. “and i’m not quite sure if that’s a blessing or a curse.”

clint doesn't know what to say, but if laura was here, she'd advised him to hug her.

so he does. he hugs her, the person he treated like a sister, the person who believed in him, everytime.

maria accepts it, because she always treated clint like a big brother, because even before everything went to  _ hell _ , maria hill never treated him like a weapon, an asset, she treated him like a person. just like phil.

phil.

if she grips clint just a little tighter, just a little, he doesn't say anything and she's grateful.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> captain america: the winter soldier

the next week is like hell. they plan fury's death. rogers' a fugitive. apparently half of shield is hydra, the organisation steve swears he killed when he crashed the plane in the ocean. when maria rescues them from the jaws of death, natasha's bleeding the death in the truck, next to a new guy called the falcon. she gets them out, getting them in the van she has on standby. they drive to one of the old ssr bunkers. the one kept off books.

"gsw, she lost at least a pine." maria says. "maybe two."

"let me take her." doctor fine said, rushing out of fury's room. 

"she'll want to see him first." maria says, and natasha’s eyes pierce through her. If looks could kill, maria would’ve been six feet under already. 

she draws the curtains, and standing despite the doctor's order, is nicholas joseph fury, in his one point eight meter glory. “get back on the bed, nicholas fury, and don’t make me hold you at gunpoint.” 

he grumbles, but gets back on the bed.

“about damn time.” he comments.

they spend the next hour strategizing, noting how natasha just plainly refuses to look at her. steve walks out, followed by sam wilson, known as the falcon. she knows she might not live to see hydra get taken down by the russian she’d grown to admire and crush on, so she goes to talk to natasha.

god, she sounds like a straight white boy crushing on a girl.

she calls her siblings, the only three people she can trust.

“maria,” her sister’s tired voice rings out, no doubt taking care of her two nieces. “is everything alright? i’m getting abuela.”

“mariella, i’m sorry. tell abuela i’m sorry too. tell emilia and izabella i love them.”

“marianna gabriela luciana hill! If you put this down, lo juro por dios-”

her brother is next. their strained relationship is partly due to her joining shield and for him, the central intelligence agency. 

“hill.” the deep voice shocked her.

“i’m sorry, miguel. i love you.” maria said, admitting for the first time because yes, she loved her brother. her family was her weakness.

“marianna, what’s wrong?”

“just listen, don’t do anywhere near dc today. get abuela, ella, the twins, you and yvonne to new york. that big ugly building? the one with the giant a? go inside and tell happy hogan that maria hill sent you and that protocol nine three two eight is in place.”

“qué vas a hacer, maria-”

“as touching as that was, why are you doing that?” the voice scared her. natasha. behind her.

“agent romanoff.”

“we know that isn’t going to be true in two hours. do you actually think you’re going to die? that just shows your lack of faith.” the spy teased, leaning a little too close into maria’s space.

“well, there’s something i have always wanted to do before i walk right into my death.” maria flirts, leaning into natasha’s personal space.

“oh yeah?” natasha breathes. “what is it?”

“this.” with that, maria turns and cradles natasha’s jaw and kisses her. red lips and coffee scented breath, the taste of metal in her mouth. natasha gasps but kisses back, lips warm and mobile, tongue teasing and maria pulls her closer, slides her hands under natasha’s shirt and lingers over the soft curve of her waist, her hips. maria pulls back for air. “jesus, you have a tongue piercing?” maria asks, shock written all over her face.

“for an undercover assignment, turns out i liked it.” natasha says, playing with the tongue piercing. 

“well, i like it.” maria says, waggling her eyebrows. “and i’ve got better uses for it.”

“really?” natasha says, pulling maria closer. “what uses, commander-”

“sweet jesus, holy mary mother of god.” fury grumbles, putting a hand on his face as he turns to walk away. “should have listened to fine, and i owe rogers twenty. time to go for you two.”

they snicker as fury walks away, mumbling about bleach and his eyes.

  


* * *

“natasha, if you do this…” maria started in a low voice as they waited for the others.

“i know.” she answered, voice clipped.

maria reached a hand to wrap around one of natasha’s. “are you ready for it?”

“no.” came the reply with no hesitation. maria squeezed her hand harder. “i’m gonna do it anyway.”

“i know.” maria said, her voice unnaturally soft. natasha tore her gaze from the wall and met maria’s. eyes clear and full of intent. they stayed quiet for a while, before maria started to speak again.

“make sure you survive, agent romanoff. il palazzo, eight o’clock.”

“is that an order, commander hill?” natasha smiles.

“that’s an order, agent romanoff.” maria smiles back.

maria took a chance, and now all she needed to do was not _fuck shit up._

unfortunately, fate had a cruel way of playing with her.

* * *

maria’s hands shook as she sent captain america to his supposed death in the potomac river.

"for what it's worth," maria says, awfully calm for someone killing a national icon. "i'm sorry, steve."

"i'm sorry too, maria. for making you do this." steve says. "but till the end of the line, huh buck?"

she presses the button, and the three helicarriers explode as they shoot at each other.

_"natasha! come on, don't die on me."_ fury voice went through her comm as she tapped into his comm.

"nick, status!" maria said, panicking.

_"fuck, fuck, fuck. natasha!"_ nick shouts, and there's a shift.

_"should i wear a suit, or a dress?”_ natasha’s tired voice went through the comm.

“casual. maybe that black leather skirt you love so much.” maria chuckled. “go pick up falcon, he’s on one of the upper floors.”

_“aye aye, commander.”_

-

“hill, where’s rogers? got a location on him?” maria tried not to flinch at the question.

_sorry natasha, i may have pushed the button to explode the helicarrier and now he just might be dead. do you still want to go on a date with me?_

“i’m sorry, natasha.” maria finally said. “he was on the helicarrier that hit the triskelion.”

maria looked around, searching for them, making a very conscious effort to avoid looking at the very place she knew steve to be. that she hoped he either still was, alive or that he’d gotten the hell out of somehow. he had to be alive. “he’s gonna be alright. natasha. he’s gonna be alright.” she said as she saw the helicopter near her position.

* * *

they eventually found rogers, near the potomac river, barely alive, muttering about bucky.

"he remembers, he remembers, nat." steve says, voice thick with emotions. "bucky's still in there."

they both share a look. unsure of what to say to steve, for the one that got away.


End file.
